Grateful, yet grieving

Is it possible to be so grateful and grieving at the same time?

To be so grateful for the life you have, the love that is all around, the food on the table, the laughs, the small little luxuries and all the things in between. Yet grieving the life you had that is no more?

I am grieving loved ones lost, I am grieving past romantic relationships and friendships ended, I am grieving my previous body shape, the one that was smaller, smoother, tighter. I am grieving my childhood, I am grieving a past family dynamic, I am grieving the way it once was.

Most of all I am grieving for a potential future that no longer exists. Maybe it has something to do with being in your youth that makes you believe in so much positivity for the future. Not even believing in anything in particular, just an overall optimistic outlook on things to come. Maybe it has something to do with being half way through your thirties and becoming aware that everything in this place is not what it seems.

I've always wondered whether its just me, or my generation that contemplate this? Or does everyone as they get older? Old people in my eyes seem so content, yet sad. How did they handle and get past grieving all the stages and changes in their lives? Or have they ever stopped?

I suppose after grief, there is just acceptance. What else can be done? None of us can go back to the old version of ourselves, no one can go back to that special location, no one can ever again hug a loved one that has passed.

Previous joy we have experienced during a past chapter can always be relived in your own way. Visiting a person to reminisce with, going to a location that holds meaning, partaking in old activities you used to enjoy. Sometimes we can only reach that joy in our dreams, when our soul allows us to.

I wonder if the grief ever ends? The only thing life guarantees is change. Our lives will continue to open new chapters and as a snake sheds its skin, we shed versions of ourselves whether we realise it at the time or not. Like looking at old photos of yourself and wondering, who was that person? Not all versions of ourselves will be our best versions. Knowing a different version will emerge even if you don't want it to. Just when you think you are happy with a version, along comes change and along comes grief.

It's hard to trust the process, to trust the potential future to look as fruitful as you once believed.

What I will put my trust in, is my soul. It will take me where I need to go, show me what I need to let go, allow me to grieve what I need. But most importantly, fill my heart with gratitude with the most important parts of life. To remind myself that it's all worth it.

Steph